Dear Special Snowflake

To my faithful readers: This semester, I haven't been as direct and authoritative in the classroom as I should have been. The reaping time has arrived, and so I give you yet another "dear student" post. I imagine it will feel cathartic. 

Dear Student,

You are a special snowflake. But you do have to write a new draft, just like everyone else. You heard my instructions in class, and you may also have read them in my follow-up email or on our class website or in the special snowflake email I sent you. I don't know how to say it any more clearly: Write a new draft. Your first attempt was crap. 

Although you are a unique individual with outstanding potential, I'm not going to answer your email during the weekend. Even though you need my immediate response because you have a super important thing that you have to do instead of the work for my class. Sure. I'll give you an extension. You should get the opportunity to be the best you that you can be.

However, I did not cause your scholastic emergency. Let's face it: I'm going to hold this whole sorry episode against you. That's one of my special qualities.

Dear Student*

Dear Student: I'm pretty sure that the word you want is "undertow," not "under-toe." Also, when referring to a woman, one should not use the word "female" as a noun. An animal can be "a female," but a woman is not. In short, use the word "woman." Finally, when you send an email to me explaining that you're "not feeling well," don't ask me if you're going to miss "any information."

*Please note that I do not intend for the "Dear Student" posts to be read by my actual students. As such, I limit identifying details and never use a student's name or description. Furthermore, 

nearly every error or problem identified in the "Dear Student" posts comes up in my response to the student(s)'s work—albeit in a much different form. So it's not like I'm just making fun of my dumb students and not actually trying to teach them.

***I am instituting a new class policy, I've decided. Each student earns 25% of his or her grade on the basis of class participation, as described in the syllabus. Clearly, I need to describe more fully what this means. It means that I'm paying attention to who's talking and who's prepared (as measured by our new, required 10-minute in-class writing assignment). Now, you can get a possible 5 points each class period, 2 of which are predicated on the substance of your in-class writing. This more specific method of measuring student performance will, I believe, benefit me and (possibly) the students. Not to make a fine point, but I've had enough. Whee!

update

See post below for initial details of weird asshole old guy.

After one of my students left, the guy said, "So are your office hours over yet?"

And I mumbled something like, "We'll see, I guess." Then, I said, louder, "Since you bring up my office hours, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't interrupt me while I'm with a student." A request that I think is reasonable and appropriate.

Asshole says, "What, Vanderbilt doesn't give you people an office to do your shit in?"

Then, there was a stupid little "you were rude to me"; "no, you started talking to me first. you were rude to me." So, yeah, I could have handled it better.

To prevent a yelling match, I left to talk to the proprietor, Sam, about the escalating situation. This little asshole old guy followed me right up there, talking over me, and Sam said to him, "Just a minute."

Then, Sam talked to me about how I was a long-time, valued customer, and he'd take care of it. I went outside, Sam talked to the asshole, and the three of us sat together while Sam basically told us to play nice. Apparently, to the old guy, asking me to plug his computer in was less interruptive than just barging through. What would have been better would be for him to go around my chair and move the power strip so he could plug it in himself without bothering me.

While I appreciate the proprietor's need for diplomacy, the compromise he tried to create wasn't enough. I probably won't be coming here anymore. 

But at least the asshole old guy left. 

working at the coffee shop

I really like working at JJ's and meeting students here. Overall, it's a good experience. HOWEVER (didn't you know that was coming?) there's this older guy who often shows up, and he always sits next to me, which in itself is creepy. It's not like no other seats available near the powerstrip. 

Because of where he sits, he generally has to climb past me to plug his computer in, which also makes me uncomfortable because I don't like to be that close to strangers. He always apologizes for getting in my way, which isn't really an apology because it happens each fucking time.

There's a coffee table on which people rest their beverages. It's pretty big, which is great. So creepiness #3 is that he puts his stuff so close to mine that he has to lean toward me to pick up his coffee cup. Ew. And he tries to make conversation.

Now, if this series of events only happened once, that would be fine. It's easy to be generous and polite if the other person is as well. It's becomes less and less easy the more frequently it happens. I intended to ignore all of this as though this desperate old man just wants a little attention and perhaps camaraderie. The smile of an obviously married woman? The scent of clothes worn a third time, not really dirty but not totally clean either? Ick. Just ick. 

Today represents my last little nerve. I don't know what to do.

I was meeting with a student this morning when he sat down. Then, during an obvious conference (more obvious to someone sitting too close), he interrupts to ask me could I please plug his computer in so that he doesn't have to climb over me. Three things: 

1) don't interrupt my meeting/conference/conversation/whatever to make me do a favor for you. 

2) the favor itself is unreasonable because it is he who sat down after my student and I did. (He left for a moment, and my student leaned over and asked, "do you know that guy?" I explained that I didn't, and she said, "I thought maybe you did, but when you didn't say Hi, I wasn't sure. Yeah, he's weird.") Also unreasonable because the powerstrip is on a long cord, and he could move it so that he doesn't have to bother anyone ever.

3) Now I'm spitting mad, and I would say something, but I didn't at the moment, and now it's been about 10 minutes, and I don't really know what to do. The presence of my student made him sit a little farther than usual, so it's not like I can ask JJ's gunther to help me. When I look up, straight ahead in front of me (as I often do when I'm thinking and writing), he always looks at me. (It's pretty obvious.) I'm mad and creeped out, but I won't move because I don't want to cede my territory. This is where I sit. I shouldn't have to move, and this creepy guy is taking advantage of JJ's overall sense of decorum, so I feel I can't yell at him. Part of me is angry at myself that I didn't tell him immediately that he was interrupting a student conference (with the subtext that he could figure something else out about his stupid computer that didn't involve me plugging it in for him or him crawling over me to do it himself). 

What should I do? What would you do? If you know what to do, would you do it for me?

The final Dear Student until the fall (I hope)

Dear D Student:

I have looked at the course evaluations, and I'm pretty sure which one you wrote. I've been reading your crappy writing all semester, so I should know. Evidently, my office hours were hard to get to, and the class was slow and "desorganiaed." (Did you mean "disorganized"? I may have mentioned this: Misspelling decreases one's credibility.) 

Please note: The difference between my evaluation of your work and your response to my class is that your response doesn't really matter. It doesn't affect me scholastically. I don't have a GPA to keep up.

Unfortunately for you, dear Student, you do. 

Incidentally, your classmates did not agree with your assessment. Four other students also took the time to write comments, and they were all positive. One said simply, "Love McColl!" Now, I can't tell if that's an incomplete sentence or a command, but either way, it works for me. 

Grades Are Done

Dear students: I've calculated your grades based on how much I like you. Not really. I based them on how much I dislike you. 

Confidential to the student who got a D: I let you write another draft of Paper 2, and I gave you a lot of feedback about it. It was still awful. You wasted my time, and if I ever see you on campus, I'm going to give you a really dirty look. But the D you earned. 

----

Today, I drafted some material on "The Mystery of the Leaping Fish" (1916). I actually do think it's funny. Detective Coke Ennyday shows the crook a photograph and asks, "Is this you?" (It obviously is, right down to the glue-on mustache.)  The man replies, "Yep, that's me!" and escapes on an inflatable fish. I won't even mention the opium part. That and the "Jap"/Chinese conflation won't fit into the diss, but it would make a good article. Hurrah, Scientific Detective Ennyday!

Entry #4 in the ongoing "Dear Student" series

Dear Student #1: Alright already. Just, please, don't send me another goddamn draft.

Dear Student #2: I appreciate your hope, but no, this is not an A paper. You cannot use what I said as a major plank of your argument. Also, "quote" is a verb, not a noun. 

[entry for Dear Student #3 redacted for its incivility.]

Dear Student #4: Thank you for reminding me that I'm not a horrible teacher.

---

A useful phrase: l'esprit d'escalier. In German, Treppenwitz. It's one of life's most frustrating experiences. On Saturday, to a friend of a friend, I said, "What?" when really what I meant was "Being fat and drinking water does not mean I'm pregnant, you ass." Or any of the other clever, biting things I thought to say fifteen minutes after the conversation. She's lucky I'm taking mood stabilizers, a benzo, and some buproprion. By law, I may not be responsible for my actions, otherwise.

Dear student #3

Dear student,

You are upset with the grade for your last paper. I would be, too, if I were you. You're lucky you didn't fail that assignment. Despite your semester-long blasé attitude, I'll let you write another draft, an opportunity for more instruction and a test that determines whether you really are "totally willing to do any extra work or writing" to better your grade.

For this additional draft, consider your audience and your source material. Don't use the Graham Greene essay to justify hating to read. It doesn't help your case.

Dear Student #2 (in what might become a series)

Joseph Conrad may not have ever mastered British ways, but he did master the English language. Trust me on this one.

Conrad hated Russia, true, but not because of the Bolshevik Revolution of 1917. At that point, he was 60 and had hated Russia for a long time, probably because his Polish father was exiled for revolutionary activities. And Conrad was a Pole, not a Polack or a Pollock. 

Finally, the sentence "My teachers love my mother because . . ." cannot end well.

Dear student

Your essay is awful. It presents the exact opposite of the author's expressed ideas. You also don't seem to know that the essay was published in [fill in the date], which means your assumptions don't make any sense. Your mechanics are a mess, and I suspect your wordy sentences result from your attempt to reach the required draft length. If it weren't so terrible, the essay would be banal. Worse, you often use words you clearly don't understand the meaning of. For example, a child cannot be venerable. Unless he is the Last Emperor, I suppose. You don't know what I'm talking about, do you.

Oh, student. This essay is all wrong. Historically, analytically, and stylistically. Please don't cry again when I tell you this.