(The purpose of the church meeting was to figure out whether killing oneself is a mortal sin. The members of the church group decided that it was not. How kind of them.)
Having heard this anecdote, I was angry on the therapy-group member's behalf because of the circumstances in which she was asked to explain. But maybe, I thought, the question of the offending Christian was a good one. If you believe in God, why would you want to kill yourself? Unlike the Christian who asked what it meant to want to kill oneself, I wonder about the belief side of the question. If you have wanted to kill yourself (as my fellow therapy-group member has wanted to do in the past) or even if you have been severely depressed, how can you believe in God?
These two questions are different only in the viewpoint of the questioner. The Christian didn't understand suicidal ideation. I don't understand belief. Or, rather, I think I get it but don't respect it. This puts me in a predicament because bringing it up in group might reactivate her feelings of shame, which is not my intention. But I really am curious. But one of the group members is a paster, and I don't want a lecture. But I'd like to know how it is possible to believe in the grace of God and still want to die.
My experience of trying to commit suicide clarified my position on belief. Before, I was an agnostic. Afterwards, I became an atheist. I realized that I believe in the everlasting darkness of death, with no concern for any afterlife or judgement. So the question remains: how can someone maintain two such contradictory thoughts, overwhelming despair and true belief? I mean, I know that people believe in contradictory things all the time. So, is it a question worth exploring?
1 comment:
It is. It is. I think that the exploring can only wind up at one end of the trail, natch. (Now everybody.) Still, my confidence in my response comes from having (recently, more or less), a loved one attempting, and in the aftermath, I (the strongest atheist I've ever known), actually had some questions. So maybe it's this:
This. Shit. Is. Personal.
And it ain't about believers/non-believers/proselytizers letting people know how those affected should think, what they should question, or why they should act. It's about the "grace" that only atheists have, and that believers should be ashamed of themselves for not having.
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