Passed

I passed. It's hard to convey what a huge deal this is, even to myself. I am now in the midpoint between student and professor. (weird!). I will never take another test that is not on my terms. I have been admitted into the club.

It's an odd feeling. I'm not a different person than I was yesterday. I simply got through a task that in retrospect really was a hoop, not a trial. Administratively, the oral exam doesn't carry much weight. I still need to figure out how to make my preparation and subsequent experience meaningful to me. 

I know I should feel relieved, thrilled. So many of my friends, colleagues, family, Sam (!) have been incredibly supportive, and I'm grateful for that support. 

But until I find a way to make the exam (and my anticipation of the exam) personally meaningful, I risk continuing to feel, well, a little empty. A little fooled by my department and by academia in general. I don't know why—despite all evidence to the contrary—admittance to the professoriate still seems based on a meritocracy. I guess, rather than a pass, I still want that A.

Still, I passed. On to the diss.